It’s been a good while since I’ve written any words outside text-messages, IG posts, to-do lists and the scrappy lines that half-heartedly fill my 5 Year Journal. (I always fall behind). This morning, however, while writing my column for the upcoming issue of Cake & Whiskey, I was reminded of how much I miss this act, this act of clearing out the clutter of the mind with words that build into sentences.
I didn’t mean to abandon this blog for so long, at least not at first.
I did realize, though, us writers have a problem: We think we know more than we do. Words come easy and soon we have 800, 2000 on a page and we convince ourselves we know something. When I realized I personally knew very little about what I thought I did, I decided it best to keep quiet till I figured more out. In that time I worked to let other pieces of me lead.
I embraced the creative girl- the girl who likes to see words of inspiration on all sorts of things– posters, pillows, tshirts.
I embraced the entrepreneur- releasing the shame I once felt about my ability to make money creating things for others. I took my first etsy shop seriously and from it’s success, I birthed two others.
And, kinda suddenly, my day was filled with a full-time job of running and maintaining a thriving business from home.
In my down-time I taught yoga, growing deeper in my own practice and discovering great joy in sharing freely what I was learning with others.
To be out of my head as a writer/blogger and into my heart, as an artist, and body, as a student/teacher of yoga, has been really healing for me these past 7 months.
There was work/there is work that needs to get done in the shadowlands, the hidden places, the preverbal seas within me. The break from posting gave me space and time to fully engage in creating and moving my body, my whole being, in intentional, therapeutic ways.
The break from posting also gave me relief from the constant worry that my words were not tracking with anyone in a meaningful way, and instead were just adding to the ever-oppressive noise of the internet. (Truly, it always felt like the latter. No one needs another blog-post to read).
But I guess I am here today because I’m ready in a new way to speak something, share something, offer something personal.
I stopped blogging several months ago to honor a deep need in my being to connect again with my own heart. A few days ago I closed my etsy shops in response to an aching desire to connect again with people. (Answering customer emails and shipping packages, though crucial to the maintenance of a business, was sucking the life out of me. My kids paid for it. So did my husband. My friends here in town barely saw me. My health and energy went lackluster too.)
Writing the words before living the words used to be tempting, but that trick is not interesting to me anymore. Neither is pursuing activity to avoid being. Our wealth instead of health. Busy at the expense of Presence is too a high a cost for me to pay and I won’t pay it anymore. (Look at these faces… how sad would it be to miss truly delighting in these smiles?)
I am working to let God truly lead. (Knowing me, and how quickly I am capable of edging-out the Spirit, ripping the baton from His hands, and sprinting ahead in my own strength, this is a profoundly difficult discipline for me).
I have been asking God for a new vision for my life and my work. And I’ve been asking Him to give me patience. Also rest. Balance, too please. Most of all I have been inviting His PRESENCE just to help me be.
And, He has been faithful.
He has been speaking a vision for me since early Spring, but of course I ignored it. (It’s easier to shove something off than to acknowledge and sit with your fear…and truly this vision scares me). But these summer months he has begun good work in my heart to ready me for what’s ahead. I am feeling encouraged and steady, grounded and braver than ever before.
What is driving me is Love.
When I encounter Love, it breaks my heart open and I wonder how I ever lived a day without it before. How did I ever attempt to clean the house, or complete a project, or write business plan (actually, I’ve never attempted to write a business plan) or make a meal for anyone without the company of this tender Friend?
Love is big and Love is wild and Love is wise and Love wants to do something in each of us.
I can’t wait to bring you the full invitation to join me in what I’m working on for a community of Love-Seekers, Body-Dwellers, Heart-Dancers, Spirit-. For now, how about we both get off the internet? Go for a walk, return to our mat, or sit by our bed on the floor. How about we just breathe for the next 5 minutes? Before we re-enter our day from screen-land, how about we just let ourselves and own personal spins on busy be sweetly interrupted by Presence?
I look forward to more of just breathing together….