Community
“It’s just a basic fact of life: we can’t really experience or appreciate real community until we dare to be authentic. We can’t benefit from the power of community until we dare to face who we really are.” -Pete Wilson, Plan B
“Given how difficult it is to cultivate self-acceptance in our perfectionist society and how are need for belonging is hardwired, it’s no wonder that we spend our lives trying to fit in and gain approval.” – Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
We are woven for relationships, we are created for community. This I know for sure. I also know that up until this point in my life I have not been very good at cultivating community. Frankly, it has scared me to death.The scars of high school, that impressionable first community as an almost-adult, still seem fresh some days. And so a fragile part of me is convinced: community is dangerous; stay back.
But of course there is that other part of me, that part of all of us, that craves belonging. So there it is: My heart is a mess, simultaneously being pushed and pulled towards the risk of rejection and the reward of friendship.
I’ve experienced a form of community online and I think it has real value. But I also believe no matter how full of friends our virtual lives may be, we all need live, in-person, community as well. Which is, a lot more risky and scary.
False Community vs Authentic Community
This past year I got a glimpse of what happens in authentic community. (Turns out I never really had any before! That community I experienced in high school where everything was based on how you looked, what you ate, who you dated and what college you were planning on attending, is what we’ll call false, in lieu of another f word it could be called as well). Ironically, it happened in the last place I thought possible: church.
First off, my church in Kentucky got right what a lot of churches get wrong: I didn’t have to behave or believe a certain way in order to belong. I belonged right from the get-go, just the way I was. Given my personal baggage with mean-girls and church folks, I certainly didn’t trust this at first. But the group of women in my Lifegroup (a small group of women, mostly moms, that met every Friday) surprised me, and continued to surprise me over several months. When I pulled a way, they pursued me. When I withdrew even further they would show up on my doorstep (annoying at the time, but life-changing).
These ladies taught me a lot about living in authentic community. First they showed me that the game of fitting-in was bunk; that there was real rest from jumping through the world’s hoops of acceptance and approval. It happened every Friday morning when a group of 12 women, very different from me and from each other, simply showed up to do life together. In any other circumstances most of us probably would have never become friends. But, because we made a habit out of hanging out, and made a commitment to love one another as Jesus loves, friendships happened.
Authentic community takes intentionality and regular gathering. It also takes a blatant dismissal of the world’s view of who is valueable and who is not. These women helped me believe I was valuable just for showing up, for being present for them, not for anything spectacular I accomplished during the week.
They taught me belonging had nothing to do with fitting in; that being accepted and liked had nothing to do with performance. The whole thing was not about approval. The whole thing was about love.
They showed me, like Pete Wilson says, that “we can’t benefit from the power of community until we dare to face who we really are.” And, as you probably are well aware, facing who we really are requires a lot of love.
So much can be said about community- about the difference between false community and authentic community, about the value real community brings to our life, and how we can free ourselves up to experience more of it. I want to keep this post relatively short, so I’ll wrap it up by telling you just how grateful I am to have finally experienced authentic community, and to encourage you to seek it too. Once you taste it, you crave it, and no matter where you go on the planet, you want it.
Since my family and I are now thousands of miles away from Kentucky, 2011 will in part be dedicated to the adventure of discovering and cultivating new community here in Portland, Oregon. Community is not a luxury, it’s a necessity. And it’s uncomfortable and it doesn’t always come naturally, but it is something this past year has taught me that my and my husband’s hearts desperately needs in order to be fully alive.
And that’s another thing I learned in 2010: the risks involving a heart fully alive, are the risks worth taking.
Where do you find community? Are you getting enough of it? What are your plans to be more community-minded in 2011?
Want to reflect on 2010 with us as we wind down the year? All of December I’ll be participating in Reverb 10, an annual event and online initiative to “reflect on your year and manifest what’s next.” There some amazing women like Kaileen Elise and GwenBell steering the way and you are invited to take part. Check it out at www.reverb10.com and follow along on twitter with #reverb10.
Today’s prompt, December 7: Community
Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? Author: Cali Harris, @caligater on Twitter
